November 1, 2011

Attorney Glenn Bergenfield

When Your Lawyer Screws You...You Know Who To Call

Glenn Bergenfield is a great friend. He's also a great lawyer, the best legal malpractice attorney ever. You hire Glenn to sue your other lawyers when they screw up, which means, tautologically speaking, every time you retain them. Too harsh? OK, quick: tell me the last time you wrote your lawyer a thank-you note for a job well done. I thought so.

Glenn's a different kind of lawyer, though, and it's not just because he only goes after other lawyers, but also because Glenn always wins. Always. Automatic. Slam-dunk sure-thing money-in-the-bank automatic. As automatic as a Kardashian marriage falling apart before the honeymoon sheets are cleaned, that kind of automatic. It's gotten to the point where it's silly to even hold the trial when Glenn's representing, a total waste of taxpayer money and courtroom time. Picture in your mind's eye game seven of the World Series, the Yanks in control with a 7-run lead, two outs in the top of ninth, nobody on, and Rivera fresh from the bullpen for the final out. You're watching at home and biting your fingernails, thinking, "He could blow this."

Sure he could. Just like Glenn might lose a trial. Ha, ha, stop it, you're killing me. Not happening. I'm actually having trouble typing these words because their meaning contradicts the most predictable process in modern jurisprudence: You get screwed by your lawyer, you hire Glenn, Glenn wins, you get lots of money.

And yes, Glenn gets some money, too, but that's not the point. The point is that you get to enjoy some well-deserved entertainment watching defendant and defendant's counsel turn viciously on each other in open court as each accuses the other of irrationally refusing to settle prior to trying the case, a trial whose outcome had to have been known by both to be pre-ordained by virtue of plaintiff's counsel's invincibility---a matter of public record.

And Glenn doesn't just win; he thoroughly demoralizes the other side to the extent that most opposing lawyers---those, at least, who are not suddenly struck mute, deaf, and dumb by the shock and embarrassment of getting their clocks cleaned by a one-man shop from New Fucking Jersey, you must be shitting me--- give up their vastly overpaid white-shoe Manhattan partnerships permanently and move upstate to do sudoku puzzles and grow organic vegetables. I can say all this because I'm not a practicing lawyer, so the Bar Association Committee For Making Sure Nobody Ever Runs A Self-Serving Ad Even If It All Happens To Be True can just kiss my ass. (By the way, why would anyone hire a lawyer who's still who's still practicing? Hey, maybe that's your problem---you should have hired a lawyer who already knew how to do it right. Right? Like Glenn.)

NFL Star Michael Vick Says:

"My lawyer blew it. That's why Glenn is my top dog now!"

Hey, by the way, you know the difference between Glenn and a pit bull?

A pit bull is a canine animal. Glenn is a lawyer who kicked every other lawyer's ass who ever dared to step into a courtroom with him. That's the difference.